What happens in good ongoing therapy, with a good therapist, with a good fit, at the right time in a patient’s life?

Enough words have been said and written about this to fill the oceans a thousand times. Of course different theoretical schools will use different words. My intention here is to be brief, at the risk of oversimplifying a fascinating and infinitely rich process. So I will say that in essence, I believe the growth that is facilitated across the various longer-term psychotherapies, as distinct from the help that is available in more problem-focused coaching contexts, can be distilled to two very broad factors: 1) the generative power of the therapeutic relationship itself, and 2) the expansion of the patient’s capacity for honesty – both in the form of markedly increased self-awareness and the sparking of an intrinsic desire to engage in authentic discourse with the world. Let me briefly flesh out these factors.

The relationship. Study after study has shown that psychotherapy is effective, and that what makes it effective above all is the relationship between the therapist and the patient. A believer that, as Nancy McWilliams put it, psychology may be a science but psychotherapy is an art, I am not one to cite empirical data on therapeutic outcome. Yet my own experience exactly mirrors the overwhelming conclusion from empirical research that the alliance between the patient and the therapist is the single most important factor in the success of therapy. As in any relationship, for this therapeutic relationship to be healing and good, for the affecting ingredients of it to be felt deeply and incorporated into one’s view of oneself and the world, it simply takes time. This is self-evident.

As anyone who has been in therapy for more than a few sessions can attest, the relationship between patient and therapist – and particularly the skilled therapist -becomes extremely powerful. And while the therapy relationship is of its own kind and does not easily fit within other existing relational paradigms in our society (and is thus understandably sometimes described by my patients, particularly as the relationship first deepens, as “kind of weird), it is above all quite real. And it becomes more real as time goes on. In fact, it often becomes the most real – that is, the most honest – relationship that the patient has ever had. More than a few therapists have commented that they themselves are more authentic with their patients than they are anywhere else in their lives. (Note: by “authentic” I don’t mean “self-disclosing”; I mean present with their true selves as they effectively embody the therapeutic role, without bullshit.)

We are social creatures with relational needs: the need to be respected, to be met with compassion, to be understood. When these relational needs are met, consistently and over time, and when we may trust that the meeting of these needs is not haphazard but may be relied upon, all manner of growth and healing can take place. Within the goodness of this relational field we may respect, accept and understand ourselves. We may cultivate self-compassion. We may grow and heal. This is true within the best personal relationships of our lives, and it is true in therapy.

Honesty and awareness. A cornerstone of the therapeutic stance is that the more aware we are of ourselves, the better our chances to live healthy and satisfying lives. Of course, the self is layered indeed. In the psychodynamic tradition that in part forms the basis of my own work, central to growth in healing is the increased consciousness of the source of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. As we better understand both our constitutions and the ways in which our experiences have shaped us, learn how it is that we make sense. And since compassion – for the self, for others – flows quite naturally from understanding, over time we find self-compassion where there was once judgment and shame. 

This self-understanding does not come easily! Much of what is not conscious to us is not conscious for very good reasons. Often these aspects of ourselves are deeply painful, or buried beneath layers of contradiction. The mind is not monolithic; it is incredibly complex and riddled with paradox. To discern the feelings and assumptions that in the deepest way drive our decisions and direct the course of our relationships, to hear the distinct tones in the white noise of our multifaceted self, requires great diligence and a sharpened attunement to nuance. With the help of a skilled therapist, this way of knowing oneself can be reached, and once it is, can be enormously useful in the creation of a satisfying life. Again, to know oneself at this most useful depth takes time (and hard work).

A great advantage of longer-term therapy is that it allows the increasingly aware patient to explore his or her life within the context of a safe and good therapeutic relationship in real time. Life continues to happen while we are in therapy. And as life unfolds and patterns continue to repeat themselves (and repeat and repeat), the patient is supported in her efforts to see these patterns, recognize them, and use this self-awareness to make decisions that are aligned not with reflexive and often counter-productive ways of protecting the self, but with her most deeply held – her truest - values and desires. 

Since these deepest values and desires almost always involve the yearning for kind love, and since offering decency is the best way to receive it, patients quite often become more respectful, honest, and compassionate within their most intimate personal relationships. And as we learn what it is that we really want, and we begin to truly feel that we deserve it, we become far more intentional and effective in choosing the right people with whom to share our vulnerability.

I hope this very brief sketch is sufficient in giving a taste of what becomes available over time in good longer-term therapy. When the time is right, the therapist skilled, and the relational match favorable, longer-term therapy can be not only useful, but truly transformative, and very beautiful.